*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
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HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
I believe the plural is “milves.”