If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
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Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
This might be the funniest tweet ever
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers