1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
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I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
the dark web is just a goth google.
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf