*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
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Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
Extremely relatable.
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit