Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
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said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
adam and eve had first world problems
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed