Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
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A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
This woman is my idol. Free her.
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]