Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
You Might Also Like
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
dream blunt rotation