I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
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I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
That’s easy for you to say
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
it’s either covid or clever vampires
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.