Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
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Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
Another interesting #factupdates post!
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.