Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
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just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
Them: Just act casual
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital