Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!

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Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.


I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.


Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.

Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.


[ IDEA ]

An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up


Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?


“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”

– me, walking my dog at night


I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.


When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.


remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???


[first date]

Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.

Me: spelling bee.

Date: oh nice! do you still got it?

Me: b-e-e.