@mortimermaiden Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
@small_blunder Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
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@mortimermaiden 
@funflaps dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
@ianabramson If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
@IamEnidColeslaw I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
@ShaunRightNow I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
@squirrel74wkgn One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
@daemonic3 wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
@kryzazzy Them: Just act casual
Me:
@jackiembouvier Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
@TheHyyyype [friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital