“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
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And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
Stonehinge
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!