My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
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You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
#math
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
your honor my client chooses dare
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!