wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
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I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know