You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
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I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
A collection of me turning into random objects.
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.