I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
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Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.