Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
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My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
But is it really??
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?