Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
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[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
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