“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
You Might Also Like
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
My love language is hissing.
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious