I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
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“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.