Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
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[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.