This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
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Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire