Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
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(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.