Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
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Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?