Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
You Might Also Like
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!