Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
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Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
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Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
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If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
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*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
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Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
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[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.