Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
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velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.