Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
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“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
[first guy to discover magic mushrooms]
those…those were not portobellos
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
She sells sea shells on the:
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
Everything beeps and blinks.
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
The best plant holders?
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
Black Friday “markdowns” like