Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
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Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
Why font matters.
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
what my late-night hot pocket sees
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*