Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
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CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*