Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
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[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
I’m putting together a team
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.