My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
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Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”