It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
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The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
me before I type out affect or effect
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories