Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
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Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
[inventing facebook]
Everyone: My family isn’t racist.
Mark Zuckerburg: Oh ahahahahaha
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
A dead goose is called a ghoost
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*