Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
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Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
(True)
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.