You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
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Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
Pass gas, not judgment.
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”