Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
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I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
[montage of me giving-up]
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*