Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
You Might Also Like
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
He wanted to make sure😂
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.