Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
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Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
couldn’t resist
WTF
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it