Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
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I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
dream blunt rotation
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine