Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
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Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
A tragic love story in two pictures.
When someone trying to leave me
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
thanks auntie mary
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle