Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
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vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides