Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
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It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
jesus f****** christ i suppose we have to do this shit again
i mean good morning
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
Hero horse inspires millions
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.