I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
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Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.