If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
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I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
A game married people play.
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy