“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
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Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport