As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
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[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
When someone says you are so lazy
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”