My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
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Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?