My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
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Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever