“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
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[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
Because it is Friday I will allow one beautiful woman to purchase me a glass of milk
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
Good luck finding a wedding photo better than this
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…