Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
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Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
*pokes sex life with a stick
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family