Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
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1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
My life coach traded me.
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.