My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
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“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that