If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
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Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
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No, why?
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
Realize this:
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
Never mess with a drunken pig.
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
I have a place for everything. The floor.
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?