“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
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I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
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Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
I camp so other people don’t have to.
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”