“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
You Might Also Like
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.