“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
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me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.