Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government

If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.

-5 asking for chips for breakfast

[FIRST DATE]

ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.

[God creating cheesecake]

GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good

ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?

GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]

me: I challenge you to a fish fight

them: you mean fist fight?

Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no

How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?

…. And they didn’t even like it.

I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.

if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night

Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?

me: well, I am not certain but

My parents just called.

M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.

ME: You should watch it from the beginning?

M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.

ME: Okay.

M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?

I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.

Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*

“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.

My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning

I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!

therapist: you need to enjoy the little things

me: like ants

therapist: not exactly

me: [nodding] baby ants

Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.

Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?

Brad Pitt: Let him stay.

“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”

A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake

[job interview]

“Tell me a weakness.”

I never finish what I start.

“Care to elaborate?”

*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.

The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.

I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.

The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.

I slept like a log last night.

A badger pissed on me.

In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.

I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.

Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.

My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.

Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.

My stylist: Yes, that too.

Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?

“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.