“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
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yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.