me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
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Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
My birthstone is a marshmallow
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it